Tomorrow starts my first day at a new job. I'm back to work in Nashville after 3 1/2 yrs, which feels weird. Even though I'm only about 30 minutes away it can feel like a million miles after working with a more rural population.
The perk to working in Nashville is I'm taking the bus to work every day so I have time to read and listen to music! To celebrate my new found personal time, I wanted to share my "first day" play list so you can get to know me a little better (am I a Millennial or what!).
Each one of these songs is totally where I'm at right now. Ahh music. It says what my emotionally-dysfunctional soul cannot!
"I Don't Care" - Fall Out Boy
"Supermassive Black Hole" - Muse
"The Power of Love" - Huey Lewis and the News
"You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" - The Offspring
"Johnny and June" - Heidi Newfield
"Spotlight" - Jennifer Hudson
"Let it Rock" - Kevin Rudolf and Lil' Wayne
"What I've Done" - Linkin Park
"I Feel Lucky" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
"For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic" - Paramore
"Lose Yourself" - Eminem
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I'm Thinkin' About Taking a Risk
My story of how I became a domestic violence advocate isn't like a lot of the stories I hear from keynote speakers at conferences in my field. I wasn't abused by a husband or boyfriend. I didn't survive unspeakable violence or run in the middle of the night. Oprah will never put me on her show during sweeps week.
I have nothing but awe and respect for the men and women who have those stories. None of us know if we would have the strength to both endure and escape the way those survivors did... the way so many around the world are doing as I write this.
I got into this work in 2004 because I needed a job.
My husband and I had decided to leave Pennsylvania because we needed to start over, away from our families and a world that we felt was "safe".
I'd applied for probably 70 jobs and went on several interviews, spending money we didn't have to drive 800 miles only to be turned down. When I applied to be a volunteer and donation coordinator for a shelter, I didn't even really know what they did. I only knew I needed a job.
To prove how clueless I was, when I went for my second interview (held at the shelter) I had my husband drive me and wait in the parking lot.
A man. Waiting in an out of state car. In the parking lot of a confidential shelter.
It didn't even dawn on me at the time, and I didn't know anything about domestic violence. Somehow I survived the interview process and landed the job.
My first 6 months there sent me into therapy. My education about power and control and cycles of violence gave me clarity that threatened to drive me crazy. But, like any moment of zen, I came out stronger, better.
I left after 15 months, but within a year I was back at a shelter. It was a story I knew how to tell. It was chaos and crisis management and holding someone's hand when they were scared.
And apparently, I was pretty good at it.
So now, as I transition into something new, I find myself struggling.
I don't struggle with the work. Sure, there are days when I don't want to answer a hotline call or listen to what can feel like the same story over and over again. We all have those days.
I struggle with the very essence of what I do.
Are we making an impact?
Is it getting better?
Have we found best practices or just "easiest to justify" to funders who've never done our job?
Who is guiding this ship?
Why can't all the programs just get along?
The nights when it's 2 am, and I've just finished a hotline call I usually end up sitting in the dark, questioning whether or not we're a healthy, successful system or just another ribbon people can put on their lapel for a month each year.
I've kept my mouth shut, saying something only occassionally, over too many margaritas or after a pointless meeting.
But now I sit here, 2 days away from leaving a shelter and moving into a different spoke on the victim advocacy wheel, and I think to myself, "Why am I being quiet?"
When I think about saying something, calling out my industry, my friends, myself, I get really scared. But scared of what?
So I think I'm going to start. Start asking really tough questions of our work.
Challenge myself to be better.
If someone on the inside doesn't start this process, people on the outside will. Only they won't speak with love and passion.
"If I speak... but have not love, I am a noisy gong..."
So I think I'm going to speak. I promise to speak only in love. Only with patience. I'll only challenge after I've held myself for critique.
I promise to find mentors to hold me accountable. I promise to offer solutions and not just complaints.
I promise to admit when I'm clueless about how to change, and I promise I will weep while I type.
I am a survivor.
I'd like to be the last.
I have nothing but awe and respect for the men and women who have those stories. None of us know if we would have the strength to both endure and escape the way those survivors did... the way so many around the world are doing as I write this.
I got into this work in 2004 because I needed a job.
My husband and I had decided to leave Pennsylvania because we needed to start over, away from our families and a world that we felt was "safe".
I'd applied for probably 70 jobs and went on several interviews, spending money we didn't have to drive 800 miles only to be turned down. When I applied to be a volunteer and donation coordinator for a shelter, I didn't even really know what they did. I only knew I needed a job.
To prove how clueless I was, when I went for my second interview (held at the shelter) I had my husband drive me and wait in the parking lot.
A man. Waiting in an out of state car. In the parking lot of a confidential shelter.
It didn't even dawn on me at the time, and I didn't know anything about domestic violence. Somehow I survived the interview process and landed the job.
My first 6 months there sent me into therapy. My education about power and control and cycles of violence gave me clarity that threatened to drive me crazy. But, like any moment of zen, I came out stronger, better.
I left after 15 months, but within a year I was back at a shelter. It was a story I knew how to tell. It was chaos and crisis management and holding someone's hand when they were scared.
And apparently, I was pretty good at it.
So now, as I transition into something new, I find myself struggling.
I don't struggle with the work. Sure, there are days when I don't want to answer a hotline call or listen to what can feel like the same story over and over again. We all have those days.
I struggle with the very essence of what I do.
Are we making an impact?
Is it getting better?
Have we found best practices or just "easiest to justify" to funders who've never done our job?
Who is guiding this ship?
Why can't all the programs just get along?
The nights when it's 2 am, and I've just finished a hotline call I usually end up sitting in the dark, questioning whether or not we're a healthy, successful system or just another ribbon people can put on their lapel for a month each year.
I've kept my mouth shut, saying something only occassionally, over too many margaritas or after a pointless meeting.
But now I sit here, 2 days away from leaving a shelter and moving into a different spoke on the victim advocacy wheel, and I think to myself, "Why am I being quiet?"
When I think about saying something, calling out my industry, my friends, myself, I get really scared. But scared of what?
So I think I'm going to start. Start asking really tough questions of our work.
Challenge myself to be better.
If someone on the inside doesn't start this process, people on the outside will. Only they won't speak with love and passion.
"If I speak... but have not love, I am a noisy gong..."
So I think I'm going to speak. I promise to speak only in love. Only with patience. I'll only challenge after I've held myself for critique.
I promise to find mentors to hold me accountable. I promise to offer solutions and not just complaints.
I promise to admit when I'm clueless about how to change, and I promise I will weep while I type.
I am a survivor.
I'd like to be the last.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Social Media and Conflict
New survey results show companies and bosses want to know how their company is portrayed on-line by their employers. Over half of employees disagree, especially Millennials. What a great moment for conflict or conversation!
I can see both sides to this argument, but the fact is that over time there has grown great distrust between employer and employee. The mistrust is somewhat valid; both sides have acted in ways that were not useful to mutual respect.
I would encourage all the bosses out there (including myself) to reflect on your company. Are you worried that someone will post something on Twitter, etc. that is negative and true? (Then you should fix those issues.) Do you worry about disgruntled workers or your current employees saying something that damages your public image? Do you just want control in a moment in history when you have very little?
Before you write HR policies on Twitter, Facebook, etc. ask yourself those questions. The concern is valid, but disgruntled employees will do it regardless, and if you're worried about current employees... well, it's time to reflect on how your company is partnering with your people. Happy employees make happy tweeters.
And for us employees (especially us Millennials):
THINK BEFORE YOU TWEET.
If employers (current and potential) are checking out your social media pages to see if you're the kind of employee they want , don't blame them when they decide not to hire you because every picture you post is you doing a keg stand or you only tweet what a tool your boss is.
You're an adult. You own every piece of content you ever put on the Internet.
Nothing is private.
If you respect your company they will likely respect you back. If you've held up your end of the bargain, and they don't, move on. But stop whining that you want privacy on the web.
I want to look like Angelina Jolie, but as the Octo-Mom proves and the Rolling Stones sang-
You Can't Always Get What You Want.
I can see both sides to this argument, but the fact is that over time there has grown great distrust between employer and employee. The mistrust is somewhat valid; both sides have acted in ways that were not useful to mutual respect.
I would encourage all the bosses out there (including myself) to reflect on your company. Are you worried that someone will post something on Twitter, etc. that is negative and true? (Then you should fix those issues.) Do you worry about disgruntled workers or your current employees saying something that damages your public image? Do you just want control in a moment in history when you have very little?
Before you write HR policies on Twitter, Facebook, etc. ask yourself those questions. The concern is valid, but disgruntled employees will do it regardless, and if you're worried about current employees... well, it's time to reflect on how your company is partnering with your people. Happy employees make happy tweeters.
And for us employees (especially us Millennials):
THINK BEFORE YOU TWEET.
If employers (current and potential) are checking out your social media pages to see if you're the kind of employee they want , don't blame them when they decide not to hire you because every picture you post is you doing a keg stand or you only tweet what a tool your boss is.
You're an adult. You own every piece of content you ever put on the Internet.
Nothing is private.
If you respect your company they will likely respect you back. If you've held up your end of the bargain, and they don't, move on. But stop whining that you want privacy on the web.
I want to look like Angelina Jolie, but as the Octo-Mom proves and the Rolling Stones sang-
You Can't Always Get What You Want.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Getting What You Need At Work (Even If Your Boss Says No)
If you’ve held more than 1 job (and let’s face it, most of us have), you’ve probably come across a supervisor who didn’t support your desire to do your best. The people I meet who have this problem have usually been labeled over achievers and are notorious for taking every opportunity to learn something new, try something new, and find a new challenge.
Over achievers drive most managers insane.
If you’re one of these people, you’ve experienced conflict with your boss, and if you’re like me, the conflict didn’t end well. So what do you do when you want to carpe diem, but your boss wants you to just do your job?
1. Do a Little Soul Searching
Over achievers hate it when I tell them to start by looking at themselves. As an over achiever, I know why: it’s hard for us to understand why someone wouldn’t want to try new things or challenge themselves all the time. But before you blow up at your boss or quit your job, take a moment to reflect on how you’ve handled the situation.
- Could your enthusiasm have been interpreted as just trying to work up the ladder?
- Are you just trying to work your way into a better position rather than excel at your job?
- Do you believe you’re entitled to something? (You probably aren’t, by the way.)
- Do you want more responsibility because you think you’re better than everyone else in the office? (You probably aren’t, by the way.)
- What is motivating you? Especially at a nonprofit, if you're motivated by a pay raise or promotion (both of which are the Bigfoot of our sector) you may have set yourself up for failure.
If you reflect and find that your motives were less than genuine, now is a good time to change the game plan. Even a bad manager can usually tell when someone is scamming them. Think of ways win-win opportunities for you and your company, and you’ll earn credibility you can bank for future use with your boss.
However, if you decide your motives were good and your boss just isn’t getting you:
2. Create a Personal Marketing Plan
I love to go to trainings and conferences. But for 6 years I’ve worked for nonprofits that, for the most part, didn’t really see staff development as a priority (I’ve never worked for an agency with a staff development budget). Because my agency, and thus my supervisors, didn’t see it as a priority I had to sell it to them, even when I was paying for it.
Regardless of whether your boss is fantastic or a monster, if they get the feeling you’re trying to better yourself or take on more responsibility so you can jump ship, your boss will be hostile. Even if that’s exactly what you’re doing, it doesn’t benefit you now to make enemies.
Part of creating a personal marketing plan is making sure your message is clear. Have you been explicit with your boss about your desire for new opportunities or have you expected her to "just understand"? If it's the latter, it's quite possible you're the problem.
If your company gives you a paid day to go to trainings, how will it benefit the company (even when you’re paying)? If you can’t answer that to yourself, it’s almost a guarantee your boss won’t be able to answer it either. How is your desire to learn something new a win-win situation?
If you want to take on more responsibility, how does that benefit the company? Most nonprofits worry about burn out. We know we’re all doing at least 2 people’s work (I do the work of about 6 staff right now) so most supervisors don’t want to give you anything that might send you over the edge. If you think you’re ready to take on more responsibility at your agency, you’re going to have to really sell it to your boss. Ask yourself, how will you manage in the long-term? How will it affect the projects you currently manage? And above all, ask yourself if it’s really worth it. I may do the work of 6 people, but I’m actually excelling at only 2 of those people’s jobs; the rest I’m just trying to manage. For an over achiever, not excelling at all 6 of those jobs is enough to burn you out.
So maybe you do everything right and you find out your boss is really just a tool.
3. Get Creative
I worked at one agency that wouldn’t give me paid days to go to trainings. I made a decision that the training was important, so I used vacation days. Maybe your agency allows you to accumulate overtime; if so, build up some time so you can take a day off.
If you can’t take time off during the day, find a mentor. The best professional development doesn’t come from a classroom, so find someone who knows what you want to know and meet them outside of work.
And if that doesn’t work (and it will, if you put some effort into it), look in your company. Find an employee who does something really well and ask them to teach you (another great way to bank some credibility). If you can’t find someone, you need to be thinking about leaving and/or getting therapy for your narcissism.
But some bosses just don’t listen. I know; I’ve been there. If that’s the case you have a few options to consider:
*move on and (hopefully) find a company who will support your efforts;
*take personal time to get the training/opportunities you want (but make sure your maintain your job performance)
But believe me; if you don’t take the time to check your motives and learn how to market yourself, you’re just keep making the same mistakes over and over. You’ll be miserable, and eventually your resume will reflect it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Great Posts from This Week's Readings
These are posts I found particuarly good this past week:
5 Steps to Make Yourself Great (Brazen Careerist)
7 Deadly Sins of the Professional (Girl Meets Business- a little old, but it came up on my viigo account this week so it's recent for me)
Social Media Behavior Guidelines for Nonprofit Staff (Nonprofit SOS)
4 Lessons from the Food Industry (Monica O'Brien's Resourceful Marketer - Good for business people, but also food for thought for us nonprofits-sorry about the food pun, but it had to happen)
5 Steps to Make Yourself Great (Brazen Careerist)
7 Deadly Sins of the Professional (Girl Meets Business- a little old, but it came up on my viigo account this week so it's recent for me)
Social Media Behavior Guidelines for Nonprofit Staff (Nonprofit SOS)
4 Lessons from the Food Industry (Monica O'Brien's Resourceful Marketer - Good for business people, but also food for thought for us nonprofits-sorry about the food pun, but it had to happen)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
First Tip for Talking to Teens: Listen First
If there's one thing I'm asked about a lot it's how to get teens to listen.
Answer: I don't know.
The reason I have had a pretty successful career working with tweens and teens (which I've done in one capacity or another for about 11 years now) is not because of me.
It's because I listen.
It's about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'd rather take the SAT every month or clean my bathtub. All I want to do when I meet a teenager is tell them how to avoid domestic violence, how to stand up to peer pressure, etc. But it rarely works when you just tell them what to do.
Honestly, what adults just listen to what people tell them? It's a strange thing that we teach kids to think for themselves but we expect them to listen blindly to us as teenagers and adults.
Teen dating violence prevention programs are pretty hot right now in my field. Every agency I meet has one or wants one, but most of us are using canned curriculum that tells teens what to do instead of starting a dialogue.
It's why there's only one or two really great teachers at any high school- it's so much easier to just dump out information and ask for it back. There's no conversation, no questioning, and most importantly, no chance for us adults to be wrong.
And that's just plain wrong.
I meet a lot of adults who say they can't do that work because they aren't up to date on trends (and don't want to spend hours in front of MTV). I will admit that it helps to understand what's hot and what teens are into these days.
If you listen they'll tell you, and that's way easier than watching weekend marathons of Gossip Girl.
Some of my favorite PSAs for teens on dating don't actually tell them what to do. On their own a teen could misinterpret them, but if you use them as a tool to start a conversation, they are magnificent.
Here's my current favorite, on being harassed by texting:
If your agency is considering starting a teen dating violence prevention program, let's talk.
Answer: I don't know.
The reason I have had a pretty successful career working with tweens and teens (which I've done in one capacity or another for about 11 years now) is not because of me.
It's because I listen.
It's about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'd rather take the SAT every month or clean my bathtub. All I want to do when I meet a teenager is tell them how to avoid domestic violence, how to stand up to peer pressure, etc. But it rarely works when you just tell them what to do.
Honestly, what adults just listen to what people tell them? It's a strange thing that we teach kids to think for themselves but we expect them to listen blindly to us as teenagers and adults.
Teen dating violence prevention programs are pretty hot right now in my field. Every agency I meet has one or wants one, but most of us are using canned curriculum that tells teens what to do instead of starting a dialogue.
It's why there's only one or two really great teachers at any high school- it's so much easier to just dump out information and ask for it back. There's no conversation, no questioning, and most importantly, no chance for us adults to be wrong.
And that's just plain wrong.
I meet a lot of adults who say they can't do that work because they aren't up to date on trends (and don't want to spend hours in front of MTV). I will admit that it helps to understand what's hot and what teens are into these days.
If you listen they'll tell you, and that's way easier than watching weekend marathons of Gossip Girl.
Some of my favorite PSAs for teens on dating don't actually tell them what to do. On their own a teen could misinterpret them, but if you use them as a tool to start a conversation, they are magnificent.
Here's my current favorite, on being harassed by texting:
If your agency is considering starting a teen dating violence prevention program, let's talk.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Managing Conflict with Another Agency
The previous post was on handling conflict inside your agency. But what about when you have conflict with other agencies? You need collaboration to survive. You have to resolve the conflict.
Regardless of your agency’s mission, there are people who will disagree with you. How could anyone disagree with an adoption program for rescued dogs? You’d be shocked. After school programs? Some people hate them.
Those of us with more controversial missions (domestic violence programs, family planning clinics, etc.) face even more opposition.
If we as nonprofits are not good at managing conflict we become *that* agency. You know what I’m talking about- the agency that’s extreme, whether it’s aggressive or passive. Every time your key stakeholders see you they run.
We all like to think that *that* agency will go out of business, but reality is they will likely manage to squeak by but remain completely irrelevant.
Next time you find yourself complaining about a problem with another agency, try these steps:
1. Assess the Conflict
What (and maybe who) started the issue? What’s your agency’s role been in the conflict? Who are the key decision makers on both sides? How has this conflict affected your agency/clients? How could it in the future? How can the conflict be resolved and both sides save face?
2. Find a Neutral
Is there someone you respect who can listen to the answers you generate from step 1? You need someone without a horse in the race to listen for bias or help you see a perspective you hadn’t thought of yet.
3. Use Ambassadors When Possible
Is there someone who could help transmit your message to the other agency in a way that may open them up to dialogue? Having someone trusted by both agencies deliver your message can be very useful if the conflict has deep roots, has become personal, or if the other side hasn’t responded to your personal requests in the past. If not, think in advance how you can craft your initial contact in a way that offers the other side the opportunity to come to the table and still save face.
4. Be Prepared to Own Your Piece of the Pie
You may think your agency has done nothing wrong, but until you know the other side of the story you can’t be sure. I don’t think curiosity ever really killed a cat, but overconfidence has used up many a cat’s 9 lives. Be prepared to listen, to own your piece, and to have a heart and mind ready to get beyond who was right and reach a resolution.
5. Who Is This Really About?
Are you trying to resolve this issue because it’s better for your clients? If not, you’re probably not going to reach any meaningful solution. We all believe our agencies provide the best service. But if your goal in addressing a conflict is to prove (to yourself, your staff or board, or the general public) that your agency really is the best… well, you’re just creating another conflict (at best) or you’re turning a misunderstanding into a war (at worst).
6. Get Creative!
If there’s one thing nonprofits are good at, it’s being creative with resources. I’ve formed great relationships with other nonprofits that I have (past and present) conflict with. My job is not to point out their flaws or try to shape them into my kind of agency (until they hire me to be their consultant!), but I can develop creative ways to address my concerns and help their staff feel more prepared to serve. For example: if I’m having an issue with an agency I’m referring my clients to, my first step is to offer free trainings to their staff (in my situation I always offer domestic violence 101 classes and trainings on when to refer clients to my agency). This kind of solution may not change either side’s opinion of each other, but it’s win-win. They get free training for their staff and I know they understand our program and our clients. Because we see each other as partners and not as enemies, the next time one of my client’s report a problem I can fall back on my relationships to help resolve it. I’m not looking to become best friends. I’m trying to get my clients’ the best service possible.
7. Nurture the Relationship
Too often we stop at ending the conflict. Small gestures can go a long way in building relationships with other agencies. If I have too many size 1 diapers (which we don’t use as much as larger sizes) I always donate to the agencies that work with pregnant women and babies. Now, diapers don’t expire, but what offers me the best return: hording them or giving them to an agency that needs them? Even something as simple as asking an agency to come train your staff (which feeds their self esteem), sending over cookies (which feeds our stomachs), or showing up to their anniversary open house can bank you brownie points to use the next time you find yourself at odds. As nonprofits we have to remember that we are here to serve- even each other.
In case you think this is impossible, here's evidence that nothing is impossible:
The good life @ Yahoo! Video
Regardless of your agency’s mission, there are people who will disagree with you. How could anyone disagree with an adoption program for rescued dogs? You’d be shocked. After school programs? Some people hate them.
Those of us with more controversial missions (domestic violence programs, family planning clinics, etc.) face even more opposition.
If we as nonprofits are not good at managing conflict we become *that* agency. You know what I’m talking about- the agency that’s extreme, whether it’s aggressive or passive. Every time your key stakeholders see you they run.
We all like to think that *that* agency will go out of business, but reality is they will likely manage to squeak by but remain completely irrelevant.
Next time you find yourself complaining about a problem with another agency, try these steps:
1. Assess the Conflict
What (and maybe who) started the issue? What’s your agency’s role been in the conflict? Who are the key decision makers on both sides? How has this conflict affected your agency/clients? How could it in the future? How can the conflict be resolved and both sides save face?
2. Find a Neutral
Is there someone you respect who can listen to the answers you generate from step 1? You need someone without a horse in the race to listen for bias or help you see a perspective you hadn’t thought of yet.
3. Use Ambassadors When Possible
Is there someone who could help transmit your message to the other agency in a way that may open them up to dialogue? Having someone trusted by both agencies deliver your message can be very useful if the conflict has deep roots, has become personal, or if the other side hasn’t responded to your personal requests in the past. If not, think in advance how you can craft your initial contact in a way that offers the other side the opportunity to come to the table and still save face.
4. Be Prepared to Own Your Piece of the Pie
You may think your agency has done nothing wrong, but until you know the other side of the story you can’t be sure. I don’t think curiosity ever really killed a cat, but overconfidence has used up many a cat’s 9 lives. Be prepared to listen, to own your piece, and to have a heart and mind ready to get beyond who was right and reach a resolution.
5. Who Is This Really About?
Are you trying to resolve this issue because it’s better for your clients? If not, you’re probably not going to reach any meaningful solution. We all believe our agencies provide the best service. But if your goal in addressing a conflict is to prove (to yourself, your staff or board, or the general public) that your agency really is the best… well, you’re just creating another conflict (at best) or you’re turning a misunderstanding into a war (at worst).
6. Get Creative!
If there’s one thing nonprofits are good at, it’s being creative with resources. I’ve formed great relationships with other nonprofits that I have (past and present) conflict with. My job is not to point out their flaws or try to shape them into my kind of agency (until they hire me to be their consultant!), but I can develop creative ways to address my concerns and help their staff feel more prepared to serve. For example: if I’m having an issue with an agency I’m referring my clients to, my first step is to offer free trainings to their staff (in my situation I always offer domestic violence 101 classes and trainings on when to refer clients to my agency). This kind of solution may not change either side’s opinion of each other, but it’s win-win. They get free training for their staff and I know they understand our program and our clients. Because we see each other as partners and not as enemies, the next time one of my client’s report a problem I can fall back on my relationships to help resolve it. I’m not looking to become best friends. I’m trying to get my clients’ the best service possible.
7. Nurture the Relationship
Too often we stop at ending the conflict. Small gestures can go a long way in building relationships with other agencies. If I have too many size 1 diapers (which we don’t use as much as larger sizes) I always donate to the agencies that work with pregnant women and babies. Now, diapers don’t expire, but what offers me the best return: hording them or giving them to an agency that needs them? Even something as simple as asking an agency to come train your staff (which feeds their self esteem), sending over cookies (which feeds our stomachs), or showing up to their anniversary open house can bank you brownie points to use the next time you find yourself at odds. As nonprofits we have to remember that we are here to serve- even each other.
In case you think this is impossible, here's evidence that nothing is impossible:
The good life @ Yahoo! Video
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